I’ve been working on a blog entry about the disparate psychological make-ups of men and women and how we interpret love differently, that we work from different books of love…but I’ve suddenly felt the need to write a personal diary entry because I have so many thoughts floating around in my head.
I’ve perpetually struggled with choosing between my heart and my head. While my emotions can be intense, overwhelming, and erratic at times, my logical, analytical, common sensical brain is a voice of equal strength. So I’m constantly caught in the middle of an intense battle.
More and more, I’ve listened to the passion inside. I should probably explain – I am an artist. I don’t usually say this to people because it sounds paltry and flat compared to the inspiration, passion, and endless fountain of intense emotions that boil inside me that I feel the need to express and to release. Maybe it’s more apt to say “creativity connoisseur”.
So, I have what I think to be more intense emotions than most. And I recently acknowledged that I’ve been squelching my emotions and passion for so long – I’ve been suffocating creatively – as I’ve spent my time delving headlong into a longterm relationship, in which I’ve lost or forgotten myself.
And now, either out of staunch logic or psychological aversion, I have renounced longterm commitment to another. I am now more brave about vocalizing my intentions, discovering convictions inside me I never knew resided there. I’m learning who I am, who I am not. It’s as though I’m sculpting myself as I begin to understand the contours that shape me. They change everyday, every minute and I’m learning to become my own best friend. What an amazing feeling – I’m falling in love, not with myself, but with the ever-burning passion inside that has now been released after years of being locked away in a dungeon. I’ve been numb to the starvation of expression and I’m consuming every outlet in sight. Wow. I’m alive.
Despite the fiery excitement, my confidence falters occasionally, usually during quiet moments after the sun has set and the day is slowly coming to a close. I don’t always feel sad but I frequently feel nostalgic, sentimental, solemn, and I wish for the comfort of a person who knows me, who can wrap his arms around me in complete silence that says more than words.
In these moments, I question. I question everything. Am I on the right path? Am I making the right choices? Am I being truthful to others? To myself? Am I in denial? Will I wake up one morning and lose it? I’ve definitely come across moments so overwhelming when I feel the weight of the whirlwind that has been my life over the last year and I cannot keep it together no matter how hard I try.
The comforting notion for me is that, in these moments, I let it happen. I allow myself to feel whatever rises from the depth of my chest. Since I’ve suffocated emotionally for so long, it’s overwhelming, but also freeing to feel every emotion to the ends of its intensity. I also believe that it strengthens a person to allow doubt to seep in occasionally. This reminds us to check in with ourselves, to remain humble, and seek invaluable advice from others. I reach out because I know I don’t know everything, or anything for certain. More selfishly though, I reach out because I enjoy experiencing my intense emotions with others. We bond, we connect, we grow, and it seems to solidify me in my passion, in my heart of hearts.
And, what’s more, is that my newly freed passion has me now entrenched in multiple forms of creativity – photography, writing, painting, drawing – that seems to temporarily release the emotional pressure that builds, only to beget more inspirational ideas, upon more. I do believe this may be the beginning of my most creative era.
And so, in the essence of embracing my wild emotions, my fiery passion, I think I’ve resolved to leave a few things unresolved. I have let go of the need to know where I’m going, why I’ve been where I’ve traveled and instead focus on where I am standing, to cultivate my art.