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I’ve been a bad girl.

I keep letting my past and my bad habits get me into predicaments that torture me.  Do I not want to be happy?  That can’t be it.

I’ve successfully let my emotions run amok and lashed out carelessly.  It’s true what they say… misery loves company.  Because when I’m miserable, I selfishly believe that if everyone else around me is miserable I’ll feel less miserable.  I hope I’m not the only one but it’s okay if I am.  I can accept my selfishness… as long as I can finally control how it affects my actions and how I treat others.

I don’t understand how I can so easily let one horrible thing infiltrate my life and allow things to fall to pieces.

Here are the basics:  I had high hopes on how things were going to progress with someone.  But they’ve since altered course and gone in a completely different direction. I haven’t heard anything from him in over a week.  I last contacted him a week ago with a very lucid and rational email.  At least I think so.  I’m actually quite happy with myself that I haven’t tried contacting him again.  But I’m still mad and upset for the silence.

Let me tell you, I hate silence.  Especially when it comes as a surprise.  For me, that silence fills with raw, grating, unnerving anxiety.  I start to second guess everything.

And that’s where I’ve been for the last week.  Drowning in a sea of doubt.

This one thing, one painful event, made me question all my choices and wonder where I am going, where SHOULD I be heading? In a stable way, I’m sure these are healthy questions to ask on occasion…

Unfortunately, I’ve dragged others down with me into the murky depths and for that… I am sorry.  I was so blinded by my own pain that I didn’t even think how far I would push others into the water.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I think A LOT.  I analyze everything.  These things are the problem.  My problem is that I eventually turn everything into a worry.  It’s almost like I don’t feel content if I don’t have SOMETHING to worry about.  I really want to change this about myself.  I don’t WANT to worry or feel anxiety.  I want to feel calm, settled, relaxed, and open to whatever may come my way.

To reach this, I think I need to release my desire to always be prepared.  How can anyone always be prepared anyway? I’ve tried for years to let this form of control go.  Maybe it’s the way I’m perceiving things… maybe if I find some sort of joy or excitement in the unexpected, the spontaneous, I’ll be better at a fluid life.

I wonder if this approach would help me deal with situations like these when others’ actions take me by surprise and leave me dumbfounded.  Seriously, I want to be able to think through actions and non-actions of everyone and understand motive and reasoning.

Is this even possible?  I don’t think so.

So I need to find a way to stop seeking out something that doesn’t exist… in many ways.

There are certain things we must realize we will never be able to change about ourselves.  We must learn to accept and work around them.

So my first step though is to accept the moodiness and emotional roller coasters that occasionally hit me like a ton of bricks and NOT push anyone else in the way of the steaming train.  This is my albatross, not someone else’s.  And it’s something that can only overcome me if I allow it, if I give permission.

drowning_man_by_the_psycrothic

Now for the personal part…

I want to thank my partner for being incredibly patient with me, even while he has his own stresses and less than ideal situations.  He’s an amazing person, so full of vibrant life, generosity, consideration, unconditioned love, and comfort.  I admire him for all he has to offer.

He even gave me an entire body release and a tearful smile when he said, “You don’t have to always try so hard.”

And regrettably, I pushed him to his limits.  I didn’t realize until now truly how much he requires time on his own to recuperate.  And he hasn’t had much of it lately.  At all really. His job, relationships, and future plans have taken their toll on him.  While we have adopted polyamory, good and bad, there are points of concessions we must remember to take.

Now I realize that my useless confusion does not take priority.  My heart has slammed the door shut on my misery.  I’ve accepted that we should break up.  We were never good together anyway.

No matter what I need or want right now, I know it’s important for his needs and desires to be fulfilled. I know I cannot help him obtain it, but I want nothing but joy, serenity, and soothing state of mind for him.  Not for me.  For him.

A huge benefit to polyamory is the way it challenges you to be a better person.  While I’ve struggled a lot in the last week or so, I’ve finally managed to refocus on selflessness, open love, and the power of embracing a single moment.

And right now I’m embracing my motivation to kick my misery in the ass, go to sleep, and wake up excited to a new world.

I still can’t understand how we take others for granted, but I don’t want to dwell on something I can’t understand and can’t change.

All I can do is hope for forgiveness… from myself.

And I also hope in the future that I open my eyes more quickly, realize that I’m allowing myself to drown when I have every ability to swim and maybe, just maybe, I can even bring a few others to shore with me…

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