The heart of a poetess is a mysterious thing. Even to the poetess herself. The poetry of the heart never dies it simply goes dormant at times.
I feel as though my heart has been sleeping for years. Or maybe it has been imprisoned, unable to express and expand. Looking back, I believe I’ve had a few moments of opening one eyelid, temporary moments of awareness. I wasn’t always in complete darkness.
Nevertheless, I still feel as though I’ve awakened from a long slumber. My heart was hibernating, out of self-preservation, I suspect. And now, it feels alive. I can now sense the slightest shift. My periphery comes in just as clear as the central focus. It’s almost as if I was living in a world of black and white, and I’ve just discovered color. I’m overwhelmed…
Drowning in sensations and feelings after a long bout of dreariness is… astounding…staggering. I love feeling the vibrancy of life and love. (Again? Or have I ever felt it such as this?)
I was skeptical, or perhaps just accepting of what the future holds, but I have discovered the multiplicities of love. At least, for the first time. And for the first time I’m conscious of where I’m at – I’m experiencing the beginning of something grand. I’m making an effort to take things slowly, recording every moment as clearly as possible. For it will be all too soon when I’m looking back on this time, fondly remembering feelings of excitement, coyness, and joy. But also, I feel vulnerable, fearful, and childlike.
Anything overwhelming can take on two personalities – electrifying and overpowering. I feel both equally, but at varying moments.
At times, I feel I could burst out of my own skin, be anything I want, do anything I think, go anywhere. I’ve adopted a teenage rebellion that I never knew before. I have thought about making rash, spontaneous decisions outside my character, purely to ride and to continue the wave of vibrancy. I wanted to see where it could take me. But the persona of “rebellious adult” only suits me so far.
There are also other times when I am scared and I feel the cold of fear course through me. I worry that I’m too trusting, I worry that others lie to me because loving and being loved by two people is… preposterous, improbable, too good to be true, even… selfish. I mean, so many people in this world wait around for that ONE person, how can I possibly have found TWO?
I realize that I still maintain many psychological remnants of a monogamous perspective. And these usually reappear through my involuntary emotions. My logical belief in polyamory is still strong. After all, in a world of over seven billion, does it make absolute sense that there exists only one person for us – to love and to be loved by? I suspect that many monogamous people would agree, but have made the conscious choice (hopefully) to spend their lives with the first soulmate they meet.
But what happens when you meet two soulmates at the same time? Why should we preclude ourselves from one or the other? And why would anyone refuse love from another, if the love is reciprocal?
It is such questions that recall my mantra – Love As Thou Wilt.
I love and am loved by two men. Who am I to say otherwise, out of denial, fear, or martyrdom? I believe we all need more love, either within ourselves or from another. To deny love, to reject it wherever it may reside, is against all that I believe. Only when it negatively affects our health – physically or mentally – should love be shunned. Although in my mind, this isn’t any form of love that I would pursue.
Many of us are surprisingly afraid when we reach a goal or find that which we’ve been searching for. I’ve seen with my own eyes grown men and women run away from that which their heart desires. I was surprised to feel conflicted at first – my natural instincts told me to choose between one love or the other. I felt the pressure of society within me.
But, I shall love as I will and love them both. I believe each relationship is strong to endure time, for different reasons. And I also believe that each relationship will bolster the other.
I will never say we should never be afraid. For fear carries with it a humbling lesson and reminds us to be grateful and not take anything for granted. What I will say is that each of us should own whatever fear we do hold, and turn it into strength, so that we may live our lives to the full extent of the vibrancy we feel. As the old adage goes, there are two sides to every coin. If there weren’t, our lives would continue forevermore in black and white.
And black and white just won’t do for a poetic heart…