Grief has stricken my soul like a hot, searing knife of late. And as that everlasting pain so slowly oozes, the weight of the universe darkens around me in an intense wave of defeat. Below are my words, to release, to surrender, to accept.
I said goodbye to you today. It proved to be more undesirable than I ever anticipated. I felt as though an overgrown forest instantly filled me, full of thorned branches and clustered moss. Knotted chaos within my stomach, I felt, the instant I sent it. Because despite my genuine words, they were not the script of my heart. My mind wants to let go – no, to forget, to erase, to run away from the memories that seem stained with anguish. My mind is filled with anger at supposed purposefully inflicted pain.
But my heart – my heart is conflicted with love, love that feels wrong. Something tells me I should not love you. And yet…
I feel my love become attachment, selfishness when I yearn for you to be close, even to feel you on the other side of the room, so that I may delve into the magnetic realm beyond your eyes. There, there still lies an endless mystery that harbors an air of familiarity. I am comforted and excited simultaneously. I find ease.
Outside the wallows of darkness comes a peace – a serenity of realization that we may, we two, find unequal joy.
Within my cloud of confusion, I find a light within despair – the promise of new clarity, profound consciousness.
Impulse has been my cure for anxiety while the lack of instant wish fulfillment subsists it. I push quickly toward the ends, without enjoyment of the means, where the essence of satisfaction exists.
I weave a web without regard or appreciation for the complexity of a deliberate craft.
I said goodbye to you in that moment. I felt urgent necessity then – impulse driven by the perceived externality of things. And it served its purpose – a magnification of a struggle, a battle raging inside me finally entering the light. But the moment has vanished.
Ensuing calm inhabits solemn strength I attempt to harness here.
And I see now, the waves of grief will last a short lifetime. I welcome the diligent unfolding of despair in all its elegant sorrow. I am hopeful, against all odds, that perhaps once the throes of loss subside, I may once again welcome the life found between our eyes, our hearts, our minds, in whichever hue its capability reflects. For a new life we found.
I forgot. I forgot I write for the ease of my soul, to capture beauty of near perfection.
And that is where I will meet you, evermore.
August 13, 2013